Hey ya’ll! I haven’t been here in a lil minute! But I kept receiving messages not to sit on my gifts. So, I wanted to share my gift, as well as a message for us perfectionists, people dealing with anxiety, or us that just don’t have confidence in our “right now”.
Over the past few weeks, I continued to get affirmations and confirmations that where I am currently is where I am supposed to be. I am supposed to be an outspoken Black woman pursuing my Masters in Social Work. I am supposed to be a resource teacher at Westwood High School. I am supposed to work on my art. I am supposed continue learning all things special education. But, because I am a Black women, living in a racist society, I humbled myself a little too low. And I allowed others to attempt to humble me.
There are a couple of times that this has occurred. Once, with the White school psychologist who insinuated that I did not understand what she was stating and needed “teacher words” as if I was incapable of understanding the jargon she continued to use. Another time, with the same person who refused to acknowledge my statement that a Black male student was indeed depressed because they saw me as “just a teacher”. The most recent time, a White professor in my graduate program attempting to instruct me on “softening my words” when I was just trying to acknowledge that whatever I do, because of my identities it would be seen as aggression.
All of this lead me to become depressed and filled with doubt. I kept asking myself, “Why am I doing this to myself?”, “What is all of this for?”, “Is this even worth it?”. I allowed others interpretations of me to continue beating me down into a space that was unmotivating, discouraging, and doubtful. At the same time, I continued receiving messages from strangers and those close to me that both confirmed and affirmed that this is my “right now”. Yet, my anxiety, mixed with depression and perfectionism ignored this very message: This is where I was supposed to be in this moment of time. I am supposed to be here and everything occurring is contributing to my Why.
Sometimes, we ignored the affirmations and confirmations because we are so deep in our own heads. We also allow others to interpret what is right for us. I encourage you to take a moment and acknowledge those feelings. Ask yourself where those negative messages are coming from and acknowledge who told you that. Then, ask yourself what is going well and what is it that brings you joy. I promise, it is a lot closer than it appears. Your “right now” is leading you somewhere. But if you refuse to acknowledge this, your “future now” will pass you by.