*Trigger Warning: Sexual molestation, sexual trauma

The following story is not for the faint of heart…

From the ages of approximately 3/4 to 8 years old, I was sexually molested by two adult men who were almost like family. Beginning at around 3/4, I was made to believe that in order to get something, I had to give something in return. What I was supposed to give in return was my body. I remember shouting out, “He’s bugging me!” to his siblings and no one came to my rescue.

Fast forward to around 5 years of age. His older brother forced me to perform fellatio on him. When I did not get it correctly, he verbally chastised me and sent me to look for lotion so he could finish. I remember crying profusely and feeling like a failure early on for something I was not even supposed to know how to do.

At 8 years old, the perpretrators visited my home. One came into the room and allowed me to play games on his phone. But of course, in order to play those games, I had to allow him to touch me. Eventually I became so uncomfortable that I walked out of the room, with his phone, and stood under my mom for protection.

To get away from the pain of it all, I sought refuge in school. But as a Black girl, even that was not a safe haven for me. I can recount numerous times my White female teachers questioned my intelligence and rendered my prescence invisible. To be honest, it was not until I entered graduate school that I started to recognize my brilliance.

Through these experiences, perfection became a means of survival. Now it is the very thing that I am battling to break down. I did not share details of my sexual trauma until the age of 22. I did not feel that I was in a healthy space until the ages of 24 and 25. I say all of this to say, that while you may have judged me for being too strong or too vocal, there was a time when I was too afraid to say anything. Everyone has a story. So don’t judge others until you know their history.

With Love and Pain,

Tatyana

Published by This is Tatyana

I am a new blogger, current MSW student, and a special educator. I am also someone who is battling mental health. Through this blog, my hope is to engage others in discussions regarding mental health, systemic racism, Black women and children, and the intersections of social justice and education.

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