I promised that this blog was going to be one of transparency. After spending more time scrolling on social media, my insecurities showed through. I have seen so many graduations, career moves, engagements, weddings, and homeownership. Part of me wants to be happy but a part of that comes jealously. Wondering why this isn’t happening for me.
But the reality is, it is happening. I put so much into what my life looks like to others, that I neglect to find happiness within myself. I know. Previously I titled my disorder as “high functioning anxiety”. But that’s a myth. There is nothing high functioning about giving into negative thoughts. There is nothing high functioning about attempting to obtain perfection. And there is definitely nothing high functioning about thinking obsessively over everything that could go wrong.
What am I doing to overcome this? It’s going to be a long journey. But my quarantining looks like investing in therapy for myself and my relationship. It looks like doing ugly self care. Healing, crying, challenging my thoughts, and reading to understand how my anxiety has shown up in childhood and beyond. It looks like me talking out loud to myself and pushing myself to remove the dark cloud that constantly hangs over me.
You see, I have a hunger, a craving for thorough happiness. Not happiness for you or anyone else. But a pure happiness for me. I want to thoroughly enjoy myself and what my life has become. I want to disown perfection as the thing I never wanted. I want to revel in my imperfections and realize that it has created something beautiful. So my quarantining may not look like guest features on podcasts. It may not look like vacations, vlogging, business endeavors, or for lack of a better term, fun. But my quarantining is sure to promise a better and healthier future for myself and my mind. Quarantining means I choose to tackle the vulnerabilities and ugly parts of me to acquire peace.
What does your quarantining look like?